I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
It was worth a shot 😂
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying