I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
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[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.