Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.