I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?