Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

i smell a pulitzer

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen