I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
a man came to my show and sent me a lengthy message about how terrible the experience was because of the comfort of the chairs. do people think the comedian buys the chairs? i turn up 10 hours early, just assembling them from ikea flatpacks.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
🤣😂🤣
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Too easy.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
