Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.