Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.