Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross