I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
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The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!