I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
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The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Just say no
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”