I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel