I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
