I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people