I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
The two types of wives
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me