Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.