I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
You Might Also Like
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
They’re on their honeymoon
