I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.