Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

😆this is so true

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working