Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Uh oh 👀

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.