I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My Plans 2020
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.