Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

Rooting for the overdog

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

Most Common Source of Electricity

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

no cat here

craving $300 all of a sudden

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Fiction has to make sense.

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.