Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine