Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic