I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
This is my pinned tweet
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.