I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’ve been learning to cook.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.