I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP