I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Body by cheese-puffs.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*