Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.