I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
