I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Eating for two.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO