I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
He just like my cat fr
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Modded the new Gran Turismo
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet