@envydatropic

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

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@batkaren

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

@Jake_Vig

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

@just1fool

Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!

@_davidlucas_

Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.

@xysist

Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.

@MakesYouGiggle

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

@roboticcrab

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

@Brampersandon_

[Evan]: This new hair product is the best
[Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse
[Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys

@Wine_Honey1

When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.