I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

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[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.


I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.


With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.


Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!


Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.


Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.


I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?


there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him


[Evan]: This new hair product is the best
[Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse
[Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys


When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.