I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Fiction has to make sense.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”