I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
don’t be scared
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.