I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
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that would 100% work on me
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Finally!
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.