I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”