I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
never deleting this app.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
pizza
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice