I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Spell check is for lasers.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Who did it better?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.