I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
You Might Also Like
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
This checks out
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
