I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
#gardening
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
seriously you guys
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”