I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid