Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know