Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?