Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

How does someone manage that 🤨

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

Best table by far

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away