Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.