I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red