Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix