Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

“Why you watching this shit?”

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin