I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
You Might Also Like
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
hmmm
Somebody stole my co worker money so I asked how much she said $100 but then I went in the bathroom and counted it shit was only $53
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“TGIM!” – My liver
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…