Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

This checks out