I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
You Might Also Like
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
When your diet is finally over.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.