Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna allow it

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

Shower sex be like:

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?