Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!