I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.