I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.