I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.