Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Sorted

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak