Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Oh deer

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”