I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I’m Sold!
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.