I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
These are my roll models.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.