Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

Meow

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*