I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down