I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
You Might Also Like
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.