Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

I am all good here, 😂😉

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.