Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?