I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
The USS B port
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
channeling her this year
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.