@xLiserx

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

You Might Also Like

@LostCatDog

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

@realHamOnWry

These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It’s a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

@3sunzzz

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

@theyearofelan

Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates

@Cheeseboy22

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

@JKickinit30

I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.