I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.


These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It’s a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.


I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..


I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.


Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates


When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”


I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.