I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
In space, no one can hear…
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes