“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
a fate I wish upon no one
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now