Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

I’m a self-made hundredaire

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”