“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: