I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
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Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
🙂🐾
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Oops 🤭
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
When you’re here for the treats.