Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had to share :’)

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid