Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

getting groceries

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!