My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
You Might Also Like
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]