Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

✨☝️✨

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page