I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
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Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me