I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

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[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM


Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.


Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?


Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.


As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”


Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief


Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.


Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.


When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.